Welcome to Late Night Laugh Lines. Please stow your critical thinking in the overhead compartments and turn off all electronic — wait, keep those going.

Our snark tonight will be cruising at an altitude of -700 feet. As this is a no smoking snark, please bring enough to share, and then it will be a smoking flight.

Same goes for booze. Pass the bottles around. Being smashed will help us all get through this trying and difficult time. I mean post.

Let’s get on with it while we can still type.

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The More Badder Roolz!

1. RTMBR! (Read The More Badder Roolz!). They are even worser than ever!

2. Men, instead of asking women of the opposite sex on dates, you can save time and trouble by simply handing over your cash on hand.

3. Women, can you believe that so many men think women are after their money? Where do they get these ideas?

4. Bardolatry is a pernicious evil that must be stamped out.

5. Ladies, nothing impresses a guy like demonstrating your keen observational skills through pointing out all the ways he needs to change. They love it! Especially on a first date.

6. Guys, don’t argue with women. Just nod and say “Yes, dear.” They love it! Especially on a first date.

7. Internet dating is like playing Russian Roulette with five chambers loaded.

8. Maybe six.

9. Why don’t people meet the way they used to? Just because we don’t live in caves is no reason to abandon three gazillion years of tradition.

10. How hard is it to find a club with lumps on it?

11. Pixie cuts would leap in popularity and I can’t complain about that.

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Apparently, my writing instructions are difficult to follow for people who can’t walk a straight line because their left hemisphere is completely atrophied. Also, because I (sometimes) leave out steps. But more the first part. Definitely.

You people are impossible!

Fine. Let’s make it simple enough for an English professor to follow.

Pretend you are creating an online dating profile. Just pretend, ok?

Using EXACTLY FIVE WORDS, write a sentence that kills your chances of getting replies completely.

Forget the rest of the profile already. I just want the FIVE WORDS that spoils everything for potential readers.

Like this:

The basement has a well.

How many words?

OK, off you go! Write some yourself.